It's the little things that you notice

It's when you wake up in the middle of the night b/c you suffer from insomnia (which is most likely really sleep apnea) and you look to the spot where your dog should be and she isn't.

It's when you wake up in the morning, and you go into your standard routine and you say, without even opening your eyes, "Hey wanna go outside?" Only to realize your talking to yourself.

You then try and remember if you got drunk the night before and simply forgot her outside again.

It's knowing that you have been drunk for days, but in fact she isn't outside. At least not outside your house.

It's when you're out with friends all day, and you think to yourself, "Oh I need to get home so I can...do nothing...do nothing at all. I have no reason to hurry home."

It's when you're at work and realize you could get a lot done if you stayed the extra hour, but know you can't because you need to let...no one out. You have no one at home needing to go out.

It's when you go to the grocery store for the first time, and you see the pet food isle and I think to yourself, "Do I need dog food?" Then the harsh reality of the word 'No.' sets in.

It's looking at your floor every few minutes to see that her dog bed is still there with the last dog biscuit you ever gave her.

The biscuit is still there because you realized that she was too weak to even eat it.

It's when you still walk past her food bowl every single time you go into the kitchen.

It's her toys still randomly being around the house because you simply can't bring yourself to pick the damn things up.

It's knowing you need to return the kennel you have had on loan for so many damn years now that you can't even remember*, but some how you're not able to do that.

Finally it's going to the mail box, opening it up and seeing a letter from the Vet who had to put your dog to sleep. Reading the sappy religious quote on the front, and knowing that God still gives you little comfort because you can't shut down your brain enough to buy into it.** Then opening the card to see hand written notes to you (from both Vets) and knowing that you don't have the strength to read them. So you throw it in your car so that you can continue pretending it never happened.

And the hardest moment of all is walking into the now painfully empty home.

*Thanks Patrick, I'll get it back to you soon.


**Not saying you have to be dumb to believe in God. I am saying there are things that I think and know that make it damn near impossible for me. Though I have been wrong about things in the past. Well...once anyways, but it turned out later I was right.